This house was built for laser tag.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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