That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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