she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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