just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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