I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
