mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
