I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
