So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
