the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
