shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
