Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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