ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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