i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
