i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
