She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
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You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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