either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
