I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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