His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will be naked everywhere
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
