Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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