i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
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6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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