My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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