I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
