It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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