I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
