My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
