She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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