I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
