I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
