Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I am morally bankrupt
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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