Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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