There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
