Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
