Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
