I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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