Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
