Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
