Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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