Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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