her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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