If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
