Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
