I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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