giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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