thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
