I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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