So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She's the barista slut.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
