Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
