Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
