why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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