i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
