He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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