You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
