and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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