I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
