we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
