please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
