Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
