Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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