True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
